To benefit the Twitter community, I’ve taken on a task so horrifying that I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I’ve learned the secret language of the Twitter automated direct message <gasp>. It is a tricky language, one in which spam is wrapped in pleasantries, and exclamation points appear more often than periods. Below, I translate 11 common Twitter Auto-DMs into plain English. (Be warned – they are not for the faint of heart.)
But, let me first explain why I hate automated direct messages so damn much. I feel they are impersonal, spammy, and a thinly veiled way to sucker folks into clicking a link. Twitter automated direct messages are the exact type of action that gives personal branding a bad name. You want to send a DM upon meeting a new follower? GREAT. Write it yourself, and include their name so you don’t come across as a selfish, formulaic robot.
I’m certain I will offend some of my closest tweeps here, as quick math reveals 1 in 7 of my followers to have sent an automated direct message. If so, my apologies - I’m only calling it as I see it. That said, on to the translations. (These are all real and unedited, except for the names and website addresses, to protect the idiots innocent)
- Actual: Hi! Thanks for following. I will follow you too. Oh Yeah, here is a neat little Twitter trick that will help you grow followers: www.spam.my
- Translation: Hi! If you are obsessed with building an army of faux-llowers like I am, you will surely click this link. And it is a virus, LOL! www.spam.my
- Actual: Thanks for following. Want to lose 2-6 inches and make money at the same time? Find out how at www.fat.ty
- Translation: Thanks for following. If you are on Twitter you’ve got to be either fat or broke. Either way, click my link and make me ten cents!
- Actual: Thanks for the follow! Wanna Increase Your Followers And Start Making Money From Twitter? www.notasc.am
- Translation: Ignore the fact that I have 12 followers. I’ve got a fool-proof system!
- Actual: Hello! Nice to meet you. Thanks for following me!
- Translation: Hello! I’m actually probably a nice person, but I’m just too busy lazy to say hello myself.
- Actual: Hi, thanks for the follow. I look forward to reading your tweets. As it is almost impossible to read so
many direct messages please add me… - Translation: It is impossible to read so many direct messages because all these damn spammers keep…oh wait, nevermind.
- Actual: Thank you for following me. It’s amazing in this day and age that at a click of a button how many new friends you can make. Have a powerful day!
- Translation: It is amazing in this day and age I don’t even have to click a button and I can spam you. Brilliant!
- Actual: Hi! Thanks for your following, I will follow you back soon. Nice to see you here!.. Have a great day!.. I will be waiting to see your tweet.
- Translation: Hi! Allow me to prove I don’t understand how Twitter works by telling you I will follow you after I’ve already sent you a direct message. Yay time machines!
- Actual: Hi, my name is Bob. Unlike a lot of people on Twitter, I REALLY am here to meet people and get to know them better.
- Translation: Hi, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh yeah, and pretending to care about you. Me.
- Actual: Thanks for the follow! Let’s connect on my Facebook fan page as well. www.facebook.com/fanmeplz
- Translation: I’m not comfortable only spamming you here. Can I spam you on another site too?
- Actual: TweetMan221 uses TrueTwit validation service. Please follow this link to validate your profile. www.truetwit.com/vy158485 Thanks!
- Translation: I’m worried about spammers, so I’ve sent you this spammy DM to make sure you won’t spam me. Smart, huh?
- And finally, my personal favorite, one that really needs no translation. Yes, this fine gentleman sent me 9 identical automated messages within 2 minutes. Hell of a way to get your point across!
What do you think? Do you agree or disagree with me? Either way, send me a direct message on Twitter, and type it yourself!
Purple Auto-DM Robot by peyri. No Spam by hegarty_david.
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